You haven’t heard from me in quite a while.
Months, in fact. I’ve been busy. Sold my condo in CT, put my stuff in PODS and lived with my mother for six weeks. Bought a house in NC, got my stuff back, and spent the last month emptying boxes. Things still aren’t finished, but the frenzy is dying down a bit.
And now I’m asking myself what the hell I’ve done. Why did I move here? What will I do now that there’s no more unpacking to distract me? How will I meet new people? Why did I leave my friends behind? Where is the nearest hospital/police station/fire house? Who’s going to cut my hair? All of these questions will be answered in time but, for now, they’re occupying a lot of space in my head.
To be honest, I’ve been asking “What the hell have I done?” for about two years now. It started when I first listed the condo. Then, when offers came in and I said “no.” And when I took the condo off the market to stay in CT and care for my mom after surgery. And when I listed the condo again, accepted an offer, signed the contract and watched the movers load the PODS. And when I drove away with tears streaming down my face, watching my mom wave goodbye in my rearview mirror.
And when I went to contract on this new house within hours of arriving in NC for a house-hunting trip. And when I saw 186 boxes sitting here, waiting for my attention. And when I had to mow my own lawns for the first time. It goes on and on, and if I’m doing it right, will probably go on for the rest of my life.
Making change requires a lot of “what the hell” moments and questions like “What the hell…
…am I doing here?
…am I going to do?
…just happened?
…do I think I’m doing?
…is wrong with me for being so afraid?”
…did I do that for?
If I stopped myself every time I asked “What the hell,” I’d still be sitting in the same old place. And so will you. That doesn’t mean you just go off and act on every impulse (I didn’t), or that you can’t think things through a bit (I did). But, if you know and honor what you really, truly need and want, ignoring all the rules others have for how you should live your life, and if you trust yourself enough to act in spite of the stuff that scares you, you might just ask a different question: Why the hell not?
And then you might just get exactly what you want.
