Christina Brandt

I recently came across this poem by the Sufi poet, Jalal-ud Din Rumi:

The New Moon

Love, the new moon, grows slowly, stage by stage;

We should progress like that, deliberately, with patience.

I hear the new moon whispering, “Impatient fool!”

It is only step by step you climb to the roof.

Be a seasoned cook, let the pot boil little by little;

A stew cooked in mad haste tastes terrible.

I couldn’t help but think, “Wow, that Rumi dude sure knows what he’s talkin’ about!”  How often are we so eager for results that we don’t stop to savor the journey?  When does impatience creep into your life, creating annoyance with the step by step approach of making what’s next in your life, what matters?

Where in your life are you cooking a terrible, hasty stew?

Tomorrow evening marks the first of 10 meetings with my coaching book group. We’re reading The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck. Beck outlines her “Ten Ingredients for Joy,” and our group’s working on adding each ingredient, week by week, into our lives with the intent of creating more joy.

Week One’s focus is on Nothing.  That’s right – nothing.  As in Nothing Doing.  Or, better said, doing nothing.  The first step to creating a more joyful life is to do absolutely nothing for 15 minutes a day.   Start by being inaccessible to everyone except yourself.  Step away from every electronic, human or animal distraction.  Then, sit still.

If that seems utterly inconceivable, you can move, but move in a repetitive way.  Jog, swim, use a stationary bike…but don’t read or watch t.v. while doing so.

If you need something to look at, stare at a fireplace, or the waves at the beach.  Something with natural movement.

Then, notice all the thoughts that go flying through your mind.  Don’t get all judgy about having them; just watch and keep breathing.  Creating space between our thoughts and action will help create an underlying calm that allows you to hear the whisper…yup, I’m gettin’ a bit woo woo here…of your soul.  And people, when we finally give our souls some room to breathe, fabulous things happen.  Slowly at first, but more steadily as we practice Nothing Doing.

As for me,  I’ve struggled a bit with this one.  Sitting still, with no distractions, takes some getting used to.  Since 15 minutes felt like an eternity, I thought I’d break this one down into smaller chunks and started with 5 minutes at a time.  I set the microwave’s timer, sat on the sofa, and noticed my foot wiggling, thought of all the things I wasn’t getting done, and got mad at myself for not doing it right.

I’m getting better, though. I can now sit for 10 minutes, and sometimes I even feel sad when the timer goes off.  This Nothing Doing ritual is a work in progress, just like me.

Are you into Nothing Doing?  How’s it working for you?

When I start working with a new client, I ask them to dedicate a notebook or journal for our work together.  We often create homework assignments that they’ll do between sessions, and some involve working with their journals.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this sentence:  “But I hate journaling.”    I’m always fascinated by this response, and being the coach that I am, I dig deeper.  Explanations run from “I’ve got nothing to say,” to “I don’t like to write,” and “I don’t want to put  my feelings on paper.”

My response is “So what?”  Who said anything about feelings?  Who says you have to even write?  Why not draw instead?  Or cut stuff out of magazines and paste it in there?  What about making a gratitude list?  Or, as one client does, a “mantra list.”  She copies quotations she likes, and other sentences she feels will keep her on track.

The great thing about journals is that they’re uniquely ours – deeply personal pages devoted to anything we’d like,  and they’re for us alone.  I encourage clients to be as fun, silly, stupid, wild, crazy, mean, funky, childish (or any other adjective) as they’d like, as long as they find a way to express themselves.  Once most get into it, they don’t stop. Creative self-expression is the best way I know how to create the beginnings of satisfaction in both our personal and professional lives.

Here’s a video from Fast Company’s site that beautifully explains the benefits of journals.   Enjoy!

I’ve been frustrated lately with how little I’m getting done.  I’m tired and just want to slow down and read a book in the middle of the day, but feeling the need to push on because reading doesn’t pay the bills.

In one of my unproductive moments, Martha Beck’s blog post, Yellow is Gold, popped into my inbox.  I read it, thinking that every item on her bulleted list applied to me.  So, I curled up on the sofa and read a book.   And of course, I found several things in the book that inspired me, giving me some great ideas for workshops and future blog posts.

Since Martha said it best, I’ll just add this:  Ditto.

This is the time of year when everyone’s anxious to throw the windows open, let the fresh air in and clean their homes. I believe that we instinctively know that clarity (the result of cleaning) leads to movement, which Spring always seem to inspire.  I’ve been cleaning on many levels lately, and my clarity has led to gratifying results.

Clean mind/thinking – I had the opportunity to clear up my thinking when I received an invitation to join AARP this week. Here’s what the “dirty” thinking looked like: “WHAT?! I’m not old! I’m not retired! I’m not even 50 yet (although I will be later this year)!  Who the heck are these people, lumping me into a group of old (drab) farts?!”

And here’s how I cleaned that up: I realized that I was making the invite mean something other than what it was: a card in the mail. That’s all. Just a bunch of paper and words. I changed my thinking to “I’m a colorful person who’s going places, and if I decide to join AARP, it’ll be for the hotel and car rental discounts!”

Clean body – I’ve been unhappy with my weight, and more importantly, my lack of energy lately. Relying way too much on sugar for pick-me-ups, I was crashing at all the wrong times.  To clean up that pattern, I’m in the midst of a 21-day detox/cleanse, working with nutritionist Alison Held.  I’ve given up sugar, caffeine, wheat, dairy and alcohol. Two healthy meals with no beige food, a nutrient-packed shake, healthy snacks and a lot of water, exercise and self-care are clearing away bad habits and the gunk from my body. It’s the jump-start I needed to get re-energized and focused.

Clean home – I reached into my closet for a blouse and the pole fell off the wall, resulting in a huge heap o’ clothes on the floor. Interesting, how the stuff in the back fell to the top of the pile, forcing me to look at things I hadn’t worn in years. I resisted the urge to just close the doors and called my mom instead. She helped fill five Hefty bags with castoffs. I never realized how much beige lived in my closet. Look at my beautiful, colorful closet now!

Clean relationships – I’ve also been working on the relationships in my life, asking myself how I can be loving, positive and supportive of those who are important to me.  Being honest with myself first about what I realistically have to offer others has helped me focus on those who matter (quality = colorful, interesting people) rather than spreading myself too thin and resulting in superficial acquaintances (quantity = beige, cocktail chatter only).  The circle of friends is smaller but much more enriching.

Since I started my “ban the beige” campaign, I’ve lost 4 lbs., gotten a new client, received unexpected checks in the mail, gotten a new speaking engagement, lost my sugar cravings and slept better. Would those things have happened if I hadn’t created some space and clarity? Maybe, but the peace and inspiration that come with a clean mind, body, home and relationships alone is worth working for. The abundance is just gravy.

Is clutter in your thinking,  home, body or relationships preventing growth?  Where can you “ban the beige” in your life?

I just started something, and I’m already worried I’m not gonna finish it. It’s a 21-day cleanse. Working with Alison Held, I’ll be de-toxing my body by eliminating gluten, dairy, alcohol, caffeine and sugar while eating healthy and clean foods.

People, this is a big deal for me. I’m a sugar and carb addict. Give me anything sweet and I’m your pal for life.   But I’m also feeling a need to go deeper, getting to the root of why I’m holding onto weight and why I’m turning to sugar too often.  The cleanse is a way for me to start anew, with a body that’s been detoxed and taught how to live without the bad stuff.

Meanwhile, I’ll work on cleaning my thoughts up, too.  The combination should be very effective!

Word of the Year #3 is…drumroll, please…BALLS!  Yup, as in “balls to the wall.” Here’s the conversation that went on in my head when deciding to write about this: 

Voice #1:  Can I say that?  Will I alienate my audience?
Voice #2:  Yes, you can, and yes, you might.  And if the audience isn’t interested in you speaking your truth, they’re not your audience.

There you have it.  Being truthful and authentic is so important that saying a word/phrase that may offend is a (perceived) risk I’m willing to take.  Something told me, though, that the phrase might have a far more innocent meaning.  It turns out I was right.

According to Urban Dictionary “balls to the wall” was “originally a military term for pushing maximum G-Forces in a jet fighter aircraft, as in pushing the ball of a throttle as high up as it will go (virtually touching the wall of the dashboard).”

So what we’re really talking about here is letting it rip.  Now that that’s settled, what’s the significance of the phrase for us?

Essential Self vs. Social Self – For some readers, this is a review.  Skip this and come back in three paragraphs.  For the rest of you, here’s a brief explanation: Martha Beck coined the term “Essential Self ” (ES, for short) to describe the part of you that’s innate.  It wouldn’t matter if you were born in Timbuktu or Topeka, to rich or poor parents.  It’s the part of you that knows exactly what you’re here to do, what makes you happy, and what feels right deep in your bones.  My ES spoke as Voice #2 above.

Your Social Self (or SS) is very much a product of Timbuktu/Topeka, rich/poor, education, parenting, religion, kindergarten, frat house, chess club and any other societal influences.  It’s the part of you that knows how to navigate/fit into society.  My SS spoke as Voice #1.

Metaphorically speaking, your ES knows the direction in which to go, and the SS buys the insurance, gets the license and drives the car.  Both “selves” are important for our survival.  We run into problems, however, when the SS plays too dominant a role in our lives.  I spend a lot of my coaching time helping people re-balance their E/S mix.

What Does “Balls to the Wall” Look Like? When I think “balls,” I think of my essential nature, delighting in this earthly experience, being loving and honest, and having one helluva good time.  I wanted it in my List O’ Words this year to remind myself not to get caught up in what others think, say or do.  When I give my ES the space she needs to c’mon out and play, life gets interesting, fun and far more abundant than when I worry about what others are up to.  Some examples:

My ES told me to go to Africa, twice.  My SS worried about the money, but arranged flights after remembering the existence of a stash of frequent flyer miles.  Result:  fabulous, life-altering experiences.

My ES told me to run a workshop with a “girl in a tutu” photo (see my Events page) in its marketing materials, while my SS briefly wondered whether it tied into my branding message.  She was overruled.  Result:  a photo that makes me laugh and captures the playful feeling of the workshop.

My ES insisted I play hooky and walk across the Brooklyn Bridge with a friend whilst wearing a cowboy hat.  My SS stayed home after realizing that cowboy hats in NYC aren’t all that weird.  Result:  not a single stare, and some seriously great ideas for future workshops were developed while walking and talking on a gorgeous day.

When was the last time your Essential Self was given the attention it deserved?  C’mon, let it rip!

Recently, I reconnected with a friend from high school on Facebook.  We traded one or two brief messages.   He wrote “whenever I see a chocolate chip bagel, I think of you.”

Huh?  Chocolate chip bagels?  I have no memory of chocolate chip bagels playing a role in any of my high school memories, nor could I remember the last time I’d eaten one.  (I’m usually a Sesame or Everything girl.)

Joe’s comment got me thinking about how you can drop two people into the same situation and when you ask them to describe it afterward, you’ll get two different responses about what transpired.  Anyone who’s got siblings knows this; you can ask them all about what happened during Thanksgiving 1985 and there might be a few similar facts in each version, but often what you’ll hear is stories that vary wildly.

We’re all processing the events in our lives through very specific filters, sifting and tossing what doesn’t match up with our paradigm about how life should work.  Is this a good thing?

If some area of your life’s not working for you, look at the story you’re telling yourself about how something’s supposed to work, how someone’s supposed to act, or why your reality doesn’t match up with what you’re after.  Chances are it’s time to examine, and probably change, the filter (a.k.a., your beliefs or unspoken rules) through which you process your life.  To get started, ask yourself about the rules you’re following (or expect others to follow).  If you’re stuck, ask someone you trust and who’s familiar with your situation to tell you what they believe your “rules” are for how that situation ought to play out.  If you discover something that makes you feel anything except calm or happy, it’s time to shift.

As for me, I went out and bought a chocolate chip bagel, and it wasn’t half bad.  So, maybe I’ll modify my “only sesame or everything bagels for me” rule.  Thanks, Joe.

Earlier this week, I was struck by the fact that yet another client (it’s got to be at least 10 by now) has “learn Italian” on their “to do before I die” list.   I’m not sure why it’s so popular among the people who work with me (do they KNOW that I’m an Italophile?), but there you have it.

Learning to speak a foreign language isn’t the same thing as flying to the moon.  I mean, it’s a lot more likely that you’d be able to learn a language than arrange for space travel these days.  It feels pretty doable, and yet for many of my clients, they haven’t been willing or able to take a step toward that Top 5 goal.

It got me thinking about ruts – those comfortable (or at least familiar in their discomfort) spots in our lives where we just don’t change.    What do we get out of staying in them?  No change = no options for adventure or delight.  Seems like a pretty darned good reason to do something different, wouldn’t you say?

There’s an old adage that goes like this:  “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got.”  It’s a great argument for trying new things.

To paraphrase another, the definition of insanity is attempting to solve a problem in a manner you’ve already attempted, over and over again. I’m pretty sure Albert Einstein’s responsible for that one, and he makes a great case for getting out of a rut, too.

Where have you worn a groove in your life?  Wanna get out?  Take one step.   If you’ve got a Top 5 desire to learn Italian,  here are seven ways to start:

• go to a translation site on the web and look up an Italian word each day
• sign up for a course
• buy Rosetta Stone discs
• hire a private tutor
• go on a trip to Italy and speak no English
• hang out somewhere where Italian’s spoken and just listen
• buy a subscription to an Italian periodical and invest in a good dictionary to have by your side while attempting to read it

Try something.  If you don’t like it or it takes too much time, do something else.  The world needs more Italian speakers, and you need to get that item checked off your list!

And, when you’re ordering your next meal at a Roman cafe and speaking not a word of English, you can say “Grazie, Christina!”

Since I believe that variety truly does lead to a “spicy” life, I came up with three Words of the Year. Word #2 is Love.

Eve Ensler said “Consider what would happen if security were not the point of our existence. That we find freedom, aliveness and power not from what contains, locates or protects us, but from what dissolves, reveals and expands us.” I believe that both truth and love in all its forms do exactly that – dissolve, reveal and expand us.  (It’s also a great definition of the coaching process.)

Dissolving:  There’s so much talk about love in our culture. The phrase “I love…” peppers our speech, and we’re told we’re not “complete” without a romantic relationship. This month, you can’t walk through a store without seeing hearts everywhere. While it’d be nice to have a romantic relationship, it wasn’t until I dissolved the belief that life was incomplete without a man that I noticed the abundance of love that’s already around me.

Revealing:  Here are some of the ways that love revealed itself to me this past month:

• friends who sent cards, emails, fudge and brownies, and others who cooked, cleaned and ran errands while I recuperated from surgery

• a mom who made sure I never bent, stretched or twisted, all while cooking up a storm in my kitchen

• a cat who wouldn’t leave my side as I rested

• the folks at the bank and bagel store, asking my mom to convey their good wishes

• people who held doors for me as I slooowly made my way toward them

• a desire to get back to work, because I love what I do for a living and it makes me really happy to help others find the love in their lives

Expanding:  Over the last year or so, I’ve made a conscious decision to look for love in every situation. The choice to expand my definition of love from the romantic to the ordinary has helped to anchor me in the present moment, aware of what’s truly happening. I ask myself how I can both see and bring love and appreciation into the moment. Some situations are harder than others, but when I can remember to look for the love, life gets a lot easier and more fun, too.

So, what the heck does all this love business have to do with finding your right life and career? Everything. In the past six weeks, four of my clients have found jobs. Each was discouraged, sick of the long slog that her job search had become. So, we focused on what they loved to do and dream about doing before they die.

One focused on voiceover training. Another, on being around art. Another, on adding color into her life and her home’s walls. One saved pennies, sold jewelry and consigned clothing to pay for classes. Another went to any and all art-related events that were free. And another made inexpensive purchases to enhance her home. Small steps toward love led to more curiosity and love of their own lives, and with the focus off how to make a living, they each found work. Martha Beck would tell you that they found work because “love sells better than hate.” When they focused on what they loved, they became more interesting people, and who doesn’t want to hire interesting people?

Just as in a grand romance, we often expect our lives to be filled with this huge flame of passion and inspiration, when often our loves sneak up on us with the smallest and steadiest of flames. I often tell clients that discovering your right life often looks less like a bonfire and more like a stove’s pilot light. It’s the small, constant warmth that sustains and nurtures us.

I’ll leave you with this quote from Martha: “The ultimate lesson of regret, the one that will help guide you into a rich and satisfying future, is this: Every time life brings you to a crossroads, from the tiniest to the most immense, go toward love, not away from fear.”