Christina Brandt

Dan Pink’s new book, “Drive,” is a must-read.  Learn why money isn’t a motivator for very long, and about what really motivates us at work.  If you’re short on time, watch this cool video.

She was there again.  The Lady Who Pushes All My Buttons was at the Y.

The Situation Picture this, if you will:

• Crowded locker room with limited space
• Several towels scattered on the floor
• Rolling carry-on duffle bag, upended, with shoes, makeup and exercise clothing strewn on the floor and bench
• Three outfits in dry cleaner bags, hung on various lockers
• Woman in soup-can sized rollers, applying makeup, while asking three fellow gym-goers “Does this dress make my boobs look too big?  You know, in this town people think you’re a slut if you show too much cleavage.”

My Attitude (a.k.a. “thoughts”)

• Judgy (she’s hogging too much space, she’s selfish…)
• Angry (she should know better, be more considerate…)
• Unkind (she’s an idiot, her outfits are trashy…)

How was that workin’ for me? Not well at all.  During my swim I was distracted by all my negative thoughts and kept swallowing water when I’d come up for air.

Time for an Attitude Adjustment Was she really supposed to take up less room? Nope. How do I know that?  Because she took up the room she took.  Should she have been anything other than exactly who she was, doing what she was doing in that moment?  Nope.  And how do I know that?  Because that’s what was happening.

Byron Katie says “When you argue with reality, you lose.  But only 100% of the time.”  The Lady was going about her day, and I was busy believing she should be something other than exactly who she was.  Whose moment was ruined?  Certainly not hers.

When I came back from my shower and swim, she was drying her hair, and then polishing her nails.  Another judgy thought (“She’s taking way too long to get out of here.”) surfaced.

I laughed out loud.  Why? Because she’d given me a wonderful example of how my attitude (and thoughts) were totally in my control.  I could decide to remain a judgy, angry and unkind person or I could make a different choice.  So I did.  I decided that she was just like all the rest of us, making our way through the world and wanting to look her best when she did so.  She got a warm smile from me and I got a story to tell all of you.

Eckhart Tolle’s right. In “A New Earth,” he says “Life will give you whatever experience is the most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.”  Who knew that my daily dose o’ consciousness-raising was going to happen in the locker room of the local Y!

Are you in need of an attitude adjustment? Funny thing, but when I became more considerate of The Lady instead of assuming she should be more considerate of me, I felt better.  Notice your thoughts about others, and turn them onto yourself.  See if there isn’t a glimmer of truth when you substitute “I should” for the original “s/he should.” You just might feel better for it, too.

As you can see above, my company’s tagline is “Making ‘What’s Next?’ What Matters.” Imagine my surprise earlier today when I posted a link to my site on Facebook and the site description said “Making ‘What’s Next?’ What Happens.”

Huh?

Turns out, the programmer who’s done a great job reconfiguring and updating my site had the word “happens” stuck in her head while she was creating the metatags for this site.   She quickly corrected the problem and all should be well by tomorrow morning, after some time passes and the site “propagates” (whatever that means).

Two of my Facebook friends commented on the tagline snafu, and both made me laugh because their comments so wonderfully align with my work:

“I thought you were throwing caution to the wind and changing your tag line ‘Meh! What Does it Matter? It Happens‘,” said Dale.    While I don’t go around saying “meh” (does anyone, any more?), I do ask my clients to look at how seriously they’re taking things.  Sometimes, stuff just happens and we give it far more importance than necessary.  In other words, lightening up is a good thing.

Carrie’s reaction to the word swap was “Hey, stuff HAPPENS. It’s what you do with it that MATTERS.”  She’s right, too.  We screw up and so do others.  What we learn from our experience, how we use it to propel us forward, and the way we think about the stuff that happens will either bring us good stuff or bad stuff.

I’m choosing good stuff.  How ’bout you?

My friend and fellow coach, Susan Baghdadi, and I are planning a “Re-treat” in Spain, which promises to be a transformative experience.  When we first discussed creating an adventure re-treat (as Susan calls it), I had something less physical in mind than walking 100 km.  I came up with a lot of excuses for why it was a bad idea:

• My knees are arthritic and I won’t make it.
• I won’t be able to keep up with the group.
• This is going to be too complicated (logistically).
• Who’d sign up for a retreat in Europe when I live in the U.S. and Susan lives in Dubai, anyway?

So, of course, we’re hosting a retreat in Europe. The logistics have been amazingly easy, 11 people have already expressed interest, and I’ve started walking daily to get in shape.  My knees are achy and my back’s a bit sore but so far, so good.  On this morning’s walk, longer and steeper than yesterday’s, I thought about how I’d come to find myself huffing and puffing away on hilly Christoper Lane.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #1 – About three years ago, I told a friend that I’m meant to run adventure retreats around the world.  I didn’t know how I’d do it, but I’ve always pictured a group of people with me as we explore new places and discover ourselves in the process.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #2 – A year ago, I mentioned to Susan and our friends that I’ve always known I’m meant to do some kind of walking pilgrimage.  My bookshelves are filled with books about people’s walks through the world.  Our South African friend, Boyd, said “Chris, what about the Camino?”  I filed that suggestion away.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #3 – Back in March, I was telling Susan  I wanted to find a good experiential workshop.  She’d just taken a class with Dr. David Berceli and was hooked on TRE work.  As she described the Tension Releasing Exercises process, I checked out the website.  Turned out (Coincidence? I think not!) David was running a workshop 8 miles from my home the next weekend.  I attended and got hooked, too.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #4 – Two weeks ago, I helped my cousin pack up her house for her move to North Carolina.  She kept giving me odds and ends she thought I could use, including a $10 gift card to Eastern Mountain Sports.

Seemingly Random Event/Step #5 – Last week, I went to EMS to check out walking poles.  (I figure I can use all the help I can get to support my knees.)  And, of course, they were on sale at 30% off.  With the aforementioned gift card, I spent half of what it would normally have cost.  The poles now stand next to my desk, reminding me to continue moving forward and waiting to be used on the Camino de Santiago in Spain this September.

So what’s the point of this story?- Sometimes, despite the fact that we have no idea how, with whom, or when our dreams will happen, unseen forces conspire to help pull things together.  The next time you’re feeling defeated, thinking you’ll never figure out how to make what’s next what matters in your life, just remember that there are very likely unknown blessings and messages on their way to you, too.

And if you happen to see me walking along Christopher Lane, do me a favor and give me a ride to the top of the hill!

It’s time for the Joy Dieters book group to work on Chapter Five of The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck.. This week’s topic is RISK. Martha writes:

“Experience has taught me that the way to a joyful life is always fraught with fear, that to find it you must follow your heart’s desires right through the inevitable terrors that arise to hold you back.  If you don’t do this, your life will be shaped by fear, rather than love, and I guarantee, the shape will be narrow and tiny compared with your best destiny.“

Before I left my last corporate job three and a half years ago, I was afraid that I might not make enough money at coaching and would have to try something else.  Guess what?  I still worry about that.  But it’s three and a half years later, and I’m still a coach with her own business.

Fear’s definitely a companion in my everyday life, but I recognize it for what it is – a motivator, and just a feeling.  I don’t think I’ll die from feeling fear.    Had I stayed in my corporate job, my life would have been a lot less interesting and I would have missed out on a lot of growth.

As one of Martha’s clients says, “How could I possibly lose as much by trying as I did by refusing to try?  What’s safe about not being who you were meant to be?”  Yup, I can totally relate!

What aren’t you trying?

It’s time for the Joy Dieters book group to work on Chapter Four of The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck.. This week’s topic is CREATIVITY. Martha writes:

“Even if you never go near the arts, you are creating away like mad every single day, working in the medium of experience itself.  Actions, objects, words, gestures – literally anything you influence by your choices becomes part of your creation.  Every time you voice your thoughts to a loved one, or cook a meal, or choose a new bar of soap for the dish by your bathtub, you are creating a modification in space or time that would never have existed without you.  Whether consciously or unconsciously, you have more power to create your own life than anyone or anything else.”

What are you creating for yourself today?

It’s time for the Joy Dieters book group to work on Chapter Three of The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck.. This week’s topic is DESIRE.

Funny thing, Desire. It’s not always about lust and sex, not that those things aren’t fabulous. In the context of a joyful life, though, we’re talking about yearning.  Not just wanting, but yearning.

I want a beach house.  What I yearn for is to feel air on my face, to smell the iodine-y/salty smell of the ocean air, and to feel sand between my toes.  Do I need to have a beach house to experience what I yearn for?  Nope.

This may seem like an overly simplistic example, but the point I’m trying to make is that when we start looking for our right lives and careers, we often have a hard time articulating what will really, truly bring us joy.  On the surface, the things we want appear to be what will make us happy.  When we dig deeper, however, and ask the “and then what?” question, sometimes we’re surprised by the responses.

In my beach house example, the “and then what” exploration might lead me to realize “and then I’d have two mortgages,” or “and then I’d have to drive every weekend in traffic,” or it might lead to “and then I’d sit on the beach and read.”  Hell, I can sit on the beach and read without owning a house and having a mortgage.  Maybe I don’t need the house – just the fresh air experience, which I can get in a variety of other ways:

1. rent a house
2. go to a hotel on the beach
3. while sitting on my sofa, imagine the air’s smell, the feel of the breeze, etc.

My point is this:  knowing the difference between a want and a desire can make a world of difference in the choices we make, and the steps we take.  If I’d actually bought the beach house, I might have come to resent the “shackled” feeling of the financial burden, commute, etc.  But, when I fulfill my yearning (air, breeze, etc.) I feel free.

Once you feel the sense of freedom of having defined the yearning, you can set the intention of achieving it.  If doubt creeps in, remind yourself that you’re very likely to achieve this desire in a roundabout way, when you’re not even paying attention.  Just focus on the intention of achieving what you’re after, and let the magic happen.  It always does.   (And if it doesn’t, go back to the Desire Question:  What Do I Yearn For?)

Daily OM (www.dailyom.com) has been sending me a Rumi poem each day for almost a year now.  Lately, they’re really resonating with me.  Here’s one that reminds me of the questions I so often ask my clients:  “What’s perfect about this moment?” and “ What is this here to teach you?”

Suffering is a treasure, for it conceals mercies;
The almond becomes fresh when you peel off the rind.
O my brother, staying in a cold dark place
And bearing patiently the grief, weakness, and pain
Is the Source of Life and the cup of Abandon!
The heights are found only in the depths of abasement;
Spring is hidden in autumn, and autumn pregnant with spring.
Flee neither; be the friend of Grief, accept desolation,
Hunt for the life that springs from the death of yourself.

– Jalal-ud-Din Rumi

A wise therapist once said to me “Suffing is optional.”  Even when it seems as though it’s not, we’ve always got a choice in how to feel about it.   It’s sad to lose someone you love, for example.  Grieving the loss is important and necessary.  Leaning into the grief, rather than fighting it, allows you to eventually be at peace.

When you tell stories about the loss, however, you may be creating unnecessary suffering.  “I should have been there when he or she died,” or “I didn’t do enough for them,” or “He’ll never know how much I cared” are all examples of  “dirty” pain – pain that’s caused by our thoughts and not by the actual loss we’ve experienced.

When we fight the reality of the circumstances at hand, we cause ourselves unnecessary suffering, too.  If you hear yourself starting a sentence with any of the following phrases, be alert:

• I (or they) shouldn’t
• I (or they) should
• I can’t
• I have to

There’s usually a lie coming, fast and furious.  When we believe that we or others have to, should, can’t, or shouldn’t do something – instead of believing that we/they choose to, or choose not to, we create  a state of powerlessness.  That’s a great way to choose suffering…if you want to!  😉

My “Joy Dieters” book group is busy working on Chapter Two of The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck..  This week’s topic is TRUTH. If you’re like most people (me included), you believe that you’re basically an honest person.  Sure, there’s the occasional white lie to be polite, or maybe you’ll pay a compliment you don’t necessarily mean.

When you dig deeper, however, you’re likely to find that you’re often telling yourself some pretty big whoppers. Do any of these ring a bell?  “I’m not thin enough.”  “I don’t make enough money.”  “I’ll never find a job I love.”  “My husband should be neater.”  “She ought to stop criticizing me.”

Lies, every last one. How do I know?  Because they’re arguments about what should or shouldn’t be the case, rather than an acknowledgment of what is.  When we tell ourselves a story about our circumstances that isn’t true, we feel like crap.  If we lie often enough, we shut down our capacity to fully experience joy and harmony. Here’s how Martha suggests we begin to examine truth on a daily basis:

• Sit quietly for 15 minutes and do nothing.
• Ask yourself:  What am I feeling?
• Ask yourself:  What hurts?
• Ask yourself:  What is the painful story I’m telling?
• Ask yourself:  Can I be sure my painful story is true?
• Ask yourself:  Is my painful story working?
• Ask yourself:  Can I think of another story that might work better?
• Treat yourself with compassion

Learning to uncover the stories you tell yourself about your circumstances is the best way to find freedom and joy. On a MUCH lighter note, here’s what she had to say to the “joy dieters”:

Gotta love Martha; she’s a hoot!