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It’s Day 3 on the Camino de Santiago. We asked our guide if people start to change as the days go on and people get closer to Santiago. We were hoping she’d say that people become more spiritual, relating stories of epiphanies and other transformational experience. What she told us, however, was “Well, people are usually just a lot angrier and more tired. And they complain a lot about their feet.”
Sigh.
Our muscles are taking longer to warm up and, apparently just like others who’ve gone before us, we’re a lot grouchier about getting out of bed to walk 21 kilometers than we were on the first day of our pilgrimage.
Despite the aches and pains, the blisters and dusty trails, we’re getting stronger. Stronger in spirit, stronger in determination, and stronger in our desperation to find shortcuts. Suddenly, we’re noticing discreet little signs, nailed to trees and posted on houses…you can take a TAXI! I was so tired that I kept asking if we could just jump in a cab.
But Susan wisely saved me from myself and pushed me to walk further. She kept telling me to walk as slowly as necessary, but to keep walking through the fear that I wouldn’t finish, that the next bend would reveal a steep incline or decline, that I would hurt myself, etc.
We’ve spent a lot of time talking about the metaphorical experience we’re having. Walking moves you forward, allowing you to experience whatever’s waiting around the bend. Stopping does not. Where in your life have you stopped yourself, thinking that you’ll be better off (or safer) not knowing what’s ahead?
I could tell you that I’ve walked 19.5km on day 1, 16 km on day 2 and 19 km today, but I’d only be sharing a fraction of the experience.
We get so focused on the numbers and stats. What’s your income? How much do you weigh? What’s your GPA? We focus on the easily quantifiable and use those stats to compare ourselves to others.
Out here on the Camino de Santiago, all that crap goes out the window. You either walk or you don’t. Sure, you can get competitive with the rest of the group but what’s the fun in that. Someone’s always going to be ahead of you and someone’s always going to be behind of you. So why the hell would you look at someone else? Why not just skip the stats and smell the air instead?
But if you need to compare yourself to some fellow travelers, check out these (wait for it!):
In case you didn’t know, my friend and fellow coach, Susan Baghdadi, and I have been on a retreat on the Camino de Santiago in Spain. We’ve planned to walk 110 kilomeers along an ancient pilgrimage route that’s seen the likes of the Knights Templar, Charlemagne, Napoleon, John Adams and Shirley MacLaine (!).
A friend of Susan’s advice was to “Stroll, Sashay and Smile” on our trip, not worrying about pace, not worrying about how well we did, not worrying, even, about whether or not we walk at all.
Susan and I had planned a few S’s of our own when designing this Re-Treat:
Silence – to connect with our inner nature, with the divine spark that stirs us and calls us to inspired action, we need to just shut the heck up sometimes. So we will. Stay tuned to see how we do with this.
Spirit – for both of us, this journey’s been a wildly improbably goal that was never actually articulated to anyone. We both feel as though we’ve been guided by some unseen force to finally meet here in Spain (another “S”) to walk to Santiago (and there’s another “S”), on what has been a spiritual pilgrimage path for thousands over the last 11 centuries.
Stressless – the planning is done, we’re here in Spain, and now it’s time to let the adventure unfold as it will.
Sarria – this town is our jumping (or should I say, “strolling”) off point for the journey.
See the video below for Susan’s version of sashaying:
Thursday, I felt twinges in my right knee. Given its past history (skiing accident, torn miniscus, arthritis, etc.) I decided to go easy on my daily walk and do 2 1/2 miles instead of the five I planned.
Yesterday, I was stiff. Despite loads of stretching, my knee wouldn’t loosen up. I skipped the walk and stayed close to home, puttering and cleaning my office, and packing my suitcase. By the end of the day, I was elevating and icing it, and taking prescription strength anti-inflammatory meds.
This morning, I called my Saturday Walking Buddy and bailed on our planned six mile walk. My knee’s letting me walk, but barely. Putting weight on it for too long is a problem. I’m using a cane.
I thought I was paying attention to my body, but clearly I wasn’t listening hard enough. Had I done so, I would have stretched more, stopped walking sooner and started icing sooner, too.
Why is this a big deal? Because on Monday, I leave for Spain. I’m off for our Re-Treat along the Camino de Santiago, where we’re supposed to walk 100km in six days. What’s the likelihood of THAT happening now? Crap.
Here’s a random sampling of my thoughts:
“I’m angry at myself for letting my body get so out of shape.”
“If I don’t walk the whole way, the group will think I’m pathetic.”
“Susan (my co-leader) will be disappointed in me.”
“I’ve failed before I even gave it a shot.”
“My dream is going to turn into a nightmare.”
REALLY? Wow, have I got work to do. It’s time to clean up these thoughts!
Is my body really out of shape? I’ve been getting stronger each day, preparing for this walk. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to walk this far.
Can I be sure that my body won’t be ready to start the Camino next week? I have no way of knowing what my body will be like next week, but I can certainly help it today by taking good care of it.
How do I know what the group will think of me and why would that matter, anyway? I don’t control their thoughts, and their thoughts are not my business.
Can I be sure that not walking the Camino is a failure? I get to define “failure,” so I’m calling this a success no matter what happens.
Will this be a nightmare? Nope. I’ve made a long-held dream come true – I’m headed to the Camino.
When I look at the thoughts, realize they’re just a bunch of fear and garbage and clean ’em up, my body feels lighter. And that can only help my knee. Since I won’t be walking today, or doing much else, I think I’ll read some books. Something inspirational. Maybe about Spain. It’ll do me good to sit still and read. And maybe that’s what my knee wanted for me all along.
September’s my favorite month for a lot of reasons. Gorgeous Northeast weather, less crowded beaches, sales at Staples…I’m an office products freak. Put me in a stationery store and I’m good to go…but I digress.
Reason Number One for loving September is because it feels like a new beginning. While January may mark the start of a new calendar year, September’s always felt like a fresh start to me. Maybe it’s the deeply-ingrained rhythm of the school year. Summer’s over, and it’s time to learn again. With the new school year come new lessons, and for a little while, permission to be a newbie who just doesn’t know how things work.
In any event, the fresh start’s what I’m often after. There’s something about a new notebook, a turn of the calendar page, and the chance to begin again that feels great. Things haven’t gotten messy yet.
So often, my clients and I think that a dramatic new start like relocating to another city, quitting a job or finding a new love will fix what ails us. Sometimes it does, but what’s often in need of a cleanup or fresh start is the thinking that we’ve made too much of a mess to stay where we are. We tend to get into “I Need To Blow Up My Life/Career/Relationship” mode and don’t stop to notice what’s really going on. It’s so much easier to distract ourselves with the logistics and excitement of a big change.
A wise, well-traveled friend once said “It doesn’t matter where you go because your troubles always follow you.” So, how do you know whether a dramatic shakeup or just a little dusting and cleaning is in order? Get curious. Ask yourself these questions:
What do I really, really not want to know right now?
What is my role in the creation of these circumstances?
Whom do I most need to forgive right now?
What is the feeling state I want to have?
To achieve a truly new beginning, it helps to know exactly where you are right now – to honestly, consciously be aware of just what’s going on and what you’re doing to contribute to the situation. Once you’ve established a clear understanding of the circumstances, you can begin the process of unwinding the thoughts you have about them. (Hint: If there’s a “should,” “shouldn’t,” “can’t,” or “have to” floating around in your head, you’ve probably got some work to do.)
Learning how your attachment to limiting or unproductive thoughts is causing your desire to flee your current life/job/relationship is the beginning of transformation. Lucky for all of us, every moment is a new opportunity to notice our thoughts, decide if they’re helpful, and choose whether to invest any energy in believing them. Talk about the best fresh start there is!
My new hiking boots
Today, I passed Margaritaville. Not Jimmy Buffett’s chain of stores, but a house on Stony Brook Lane called Margaritaville. (I want to meet those people! But I digress…) It’s at the bottom of a VERY steep hill I just added to my morning walk. You see, I’m leading a retreat in Spain next month, and we’re going to be walking 67 1/2 miles in six days. I need to be able to walk about 11 miles a day, and I’m not even close. But I have hope, so I’m adding a hill or upping the distance of my daily walks every few days. If someone had told me a month ago that I’d be at the bottom of Stony Brook Lane, I’d have laughed. Hard.
Dale recently decided to pack up her home of 21 years and move south. A few days before her move, it dawned on her that she needed help if she was going to get all her belongings out of her house in time for the closing. I planned an overnight visit and between us, we packed about 35 boxes. Before we accomplished that, though, there was a lot of fear that it couldn’t be done.
Joy was about to have a very important meeting with someone whose help could be critical in her career. She was pretty nervous about presenting her ideas for a book, as well as her theories on leadership and corporate change. During a previous, brief chat, he was interested, but would he remain so?
Dale and I got her packed and ready for her move, Joy got through her call with the influential person, and I’m gonna walk 67 1/2 miles in Spain in 33 days. How? Each of us has decided to redefine what success means to us: One small victory at a time.
Breaking a seemingly overwhelming task into manageable and visible accomplishments works like magic. When Dale’s lower lip would quiver, threatening to turn into a meltdown, I’d jump up and clear out a large cabinet in the kitchen so she had a visible sign of progress. While packing up the spice jars helped, seeing an empty glass-fronted dish cabinet helped more. Every so often, we’d go for the “high visual impact” task in order to keep ourselves motivated.
Joy decided, shortly before her call with Mr. Influential, that “if I’m still breathing at the end of the call, I’ve won.” Not only was she breathing, but good things are likely to come out of that conversation.
When I got home from today’s walk, I noticed that despite adding the hill and distance, I got home in the same amount of time my walk normally takes. I’m walking faster and farther and my body’s getting stronger. Day by day, hill by hill, street by street, I’m gonna get myself to Spain in the best shape I’ve been in for a long time.
Box by box, room by room, Dale’s now happily unpacking her belongings in her new home in North Carolina. When she feels as though it’ll never end, she hangs a picture or rolls out a new carpet. Visual victories, those quick and easily noticeable improvements, keep her motivated to tackle the boring stuff like sorting through those darned spices.
Breath by breath, Joy’s moving her book and business projects forward, and I have no doubt we’ll be seeing her book in airport bookstores soon, and reading about her ground-breaking leadership work in the business press, too.
Redefining success so that there are no failures is the key to staying motivated. For Joy, just coming out of a scary meeting still breathing was about as big a success as she could imagine. For Dale, it was seeing an empty cabinet in her old home and a picture on the wall in her new one. For me, it’s literally putting one foot in front of the other. How can YOU redefine success in your life?
Man, have I been a resistant puppy this month! I’ve been finding excuses for everything: “I can’t do this,” “It won’t work,” “I don’t have enough money,” “It’s hot and I’m tired,” “It’s too hard,” blah blah blah. I decided that a new script was in order. Here’s what I told myself: Get. Over. Yourself. Now.
What is it about resistance? Why do we fight the energy that brings us what we dream of? Darned if I know, but here’s what’s helped me:
1. Whining (oops, I mean talking) to a friend – Every now and then blurting out all my crap feels cathartic, because sometimes even a coach doesn’t want to be coached (imagine that!). I recently called my friend Betsy and let it rip. And she came up with a brilliant idea for publicizing our “re-treat” in Spain in a far bigger way than I would have imagined.
2. If it feels hard, stop pushing – I’ve been pushing and pushing, and doing still more pushing, trying to make stuff come together. And then I was exhausted. And nothing had come together. I slowed down, took a deep breath, and read a trashy novel. And then I had an idea. So I read a few magazines. And then I had more ideas about new products and services to offer my clients. (I’ll say more about that soon.)
3. Look at the thoughts – When I finally slowed down long enough to notice the belief that I had to work hard, and that letting things flow was just lazy behavior, I laughed. What was “hard” was my thinking; I’d become so rigid about how things were “supposed to” flow that I couldn’t see any other options. It sounded so counterintuitive to “work easy” or “play hard,” when in fact that’s exactly what I suggest my clients do to find their right lives. So, I’m taking Fridays off for the next few weeks, to work easy/play hard.
4. Make something, anything at all – It’s been a while since I’ve made something. Sure, I write all the time, and dream up things to do, but making something tangible, like knitting a scarf or sewing a pillow, or painting a picture…not so much. When my clients are feeling as though nothing’s coming together, I often suggest that they go to a toy or crafts store and find a kit or supplies to make something. One client made a placemat. Another made an airplane from a kit. Engaging the right side of our brains and boosting our sense of efficacy does a world of good.
As the old saying goes, “What we resist, persists.” When we’re not engaging in battle, there is no battle. When I stopped fighting the fact that things weren’t coming together as planned, I found much better ways to do them. My friend Ashley loves to remind me that the universe has far bigger dreams for us than we can imagine for ourselves. When I stop thinking that I have to have all the answers, the ones I most need show up.
So, where do you need to get over yourself? Where are you blocking the peace (in your mind, body and spirit) that nurtures the creativity to find your right life? Take a hint from my man, Lao Tse (see the excerpt from the Tao te Ching, below), and consider a little nothing-doing, sprinkled with some non-forcing, and maybe some creativity, and see what happens.
“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone.
True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way.
It can’t be gained by interfering.“
My clients and I are indulging in the “urge to purge,” probably because we know that clearer homes, bodies and minds allow better circulation of air, ideas and energy. Here’s a short list of items that are definitely better off somewhere else:
- College textbooks
- Shoes that pinch
- Mateless socks
- People who pinch
- Those little pencils from miniature golf
- Beliefs that “pinch” your ability to be joyful
- Anything you haven’t worn in five years
- The idea that you’re not worth it
- Those samples that came in the makeup bag you got when you bought your eye cream two years ago
- The list of “have to’s” you’ve been carrying around in your head
- Telephone books
- The idea that it’s not okay to make a mistake
- Chopsticks from the takeout place
- Judgment of others
- Cassettes and LP’s you can’t play because you don’t have the equipment
- The idea that you’re old, fat, thin, ugly or anything less than perfect
- Ratty clothes you think you’ll wear next time you paint your home
- Mascara that’s more than a year old
- Any book that doesn’t feel like a dear friend
- Lid-less plastic ware
- Dried flower wreaths
- Old plastic flower pots
- Any idea, person or thing that doesn’t delight you or bring you peace.
And, if you need more inspiration, read Stephanie Rosenbloom’s article in the New York Times: “But Will It Make You Happy?“
Originally written for my newsletter readers in November ’08, I felt this piece was still relevant today. Enjoy!
EVERYONE is talking about the economy. You can’t turn on the TV, the radio, or open a publication without seeing a story about how everything’s gone to hell, we’re all doomed, and the fact that this period is as bad as the Great Depression. The people I speak with about this issue generally fall into one of two camps:
The Gloomy: A friend called the other day and said (with no “hello,” mind you) “do you believe what’s happening on Wall Street?” The remainder of our call involved his dire predictions for, the loss of real estate value, the demise of his bank and mortgage lender, the gutting of his portfolio, and basically the end of the world as we know it. I deflected, dodged, and kept steering the conversation away from all the gloom and doom. I believe he was disappointed when I wouldn’t join the Pity Party, so the call was (mercifully) short.
Others aren’t quite as bad as Gloomy Gus, but they’re fretting. They fear for the loss of a job, or for their retirement funds, or for how they’re going to make the mortgage payments if a job goes away.
The Philosophical: These folks have basically decided that there’s not much they can do but wait it out. They take a passive approach, thinking along the lines of another friend of mine who says “When in doubt, do nothing.”
I am most definitely not Gloomy. I’m a lot more like the Philosophical group, but with a twist: I believe that the actions below will help guide us through this difficult period:
Be Honest – Where in your life have you been dishonest with yourself about what you need, what you spend, and how you entertain yourself? What stories do you tell yourself about why you spend what you spend?
Be Smart – Know where your money is going. Do you have a budget? Do you know what your monthly expenses are? What options do you have in order to keep yourself afloat? Do something to ensure that you are on top of your finances.
Be Brave – Even if you’ve lost your job, your life savings, and your home, you have a choice about how you perceive the situation. I certainly don’t mean to make light of those awful situations, but who among us has not had awful periods in their lives and come out on the other side? We are survivors, and this, too, shall pass.
Be Kind – If you’ve got a computer and are reading this newsletter, you’ve got more than many people in this world. This type of economy is when those less fortunate feel it the most. Charitable contributions go down. Be the person who goes against the flow and continues to give what they can to help brighten someone else’s life.
Be Aware – While it’s a good idea to be informed about the goings-on in the world, are you glued to CNN 24/7? Take a break from the TV and instead be aware on a different level. Notice the abundance of blessings in your life. Show gratitude for the many things that are right about this time.
Be an Activist – Speak up for what you believe in. Vote. Tell your representatives in Congress what matters to you. It’s not time to sit back and assume they know.
Be a Student – If everything life hands us is a lesson, what can you learn from this economic turbulence?
Be Hopeful – As a friend of mine once said “we survive absolutely everything that life hands us except one thing, and that’s on the day we die.” Since we are certain that we will die, and are totally uncertain as to the timing of that death, it is up to us to choose how we will live this life.
During this lifetime, I strive to be honest, smart, brave, kind, aware, active, studious and hopeful. I hope you do, too
I’m on a Rumi kick lately, and I’ve been forwarding this poem to my friends and clients who are doubting that they have anything special to offer.
Way of Knowledge
What God in His mercy has taught the bees He has not graced the lion or wild ass;
The bee knows how to make a house of liquid sugar.
It is God who opened to him this Way of Knowledge.
What God in His mercy has taught the silkworm
The elephant himself cannot understand or repeat.– Jalal-ud-Din Rumi
What have you been graced with? What do you know that no one else knows?
