Christina Brandt

Christine Kane suggests that her e-zine readers decide on a Word of the Year rather than making traditional resolutions.  The idea is to use the word as a guide for how to live your life, set intentions and create goals.  My 2010 word of the year is TRUTH.  Here’s why:

1.  Secrets = Missed Opportunities A friend didn’t tell her newsletter readers that her boyfriend has moved in.  Why does that matter?  As a divorce coach, there’s so much material to be mined there – talking to your kids about rules when a man moves in, navigating the ex’s feelings about your new relationship, etc.  And yet, on some level, she had a belief that if she shared the news of her happy relationship, her readers and potential clients (those contemplating or in the midst of the divorce process) might feel she couldn’t relate to them any longer.  True?  Nope.  She recently decided to tell the truth, and she’s feeling a lot better.  Her readers will gain valuable insights from her experience, too.

2.  No Secrets = Cleanliness I’m not talking about dusting, here.  I mean having a clean spirit.  As part of my coach training, I learned to clear myself of negativity, limiting beliefs, and other stuff that was getting in my way of being good coach.  It’s a daily (sometimes hourly!) practice that helps me be truly present when working with my clients, as well as lead a happy life.  For a long time, I hid from myself the secret of just how miserable I was in my former career.  I got sick, and I got fat because I kept using food to avoid the truth.

My clients have hidden their desire to be entrepreneurs, fashion designers, chefs, nurses, writers, and any number of other things because they believe they can’t make money, their families will judge them harshly, or they might fail.  They were miserable, scared, frustrated, and/or sick enough over living a lie that they called a coach.

3.  Honesty = Freedom I once had to tell my boss that I’d made a five-figure mistake, and it’d likely cost us another five figures to clean it up.  Keeping that a secret for any length of time would have cost me my job, but that’s not really why I told him about the error.  I wanted the freedom that comes when we tell it like it is.  Sure, I felt crappy for a while and it wasn’t much fun doing all the cleanup, but it was better than the alternative.  Ridding yourself of a secret is like an act of confession.  Losing the burden of a lie creates peace.

What are you hiding from yourself or others?  What’s one thing about yourself that you really don’t want to know right now?

If truth brings opportunity, a clean spirit, and freedom, why live a lie?  As a client said to me today “Courageous people aren’t fearless; they’re the ones who are scared and do it anyway.”  Be brave, and get started.  Speaking and living your truth will set you free.

I was listening to NPR the other day and was reminded about the web site and book by Smith Magazine, Six Word Memoirs, that created the six-word story-telling phenomenon.   The host asked listeners to describe your goals for the new year in six words.   So, I did:

Dreams unleashed, obstacles overcome, hilarity ensued.

Now, it’s your turn.  Comment on this thread, and let’s have some fun.

During a recent “girls’ weekend” in Charleston, my friend Ashley said that she was working on her Trust/Fear Ratio.  She explained that there are times when she’s far more afraid about what’s going on in her life than she is trustful that the outcome will be as it should be.   To fix that, she works on the balance of trust and fear in her life.  A day filled with more trust and less fear is a good one.

I’m with Ashley.  How ’bout you?

After writing a story about all I’d learned in a previous month, I invited my newsletter readers to share what they’d learned lately.  An interesting theme emerged.

“‘You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone,’ from the Joni Mitchell song, so enjoy the moment and the NOW of your life.”   This comes from Sue, who unfortunately was just laid off from a job she really enjoyed.

Marlene says “some shoulds are important to remember.  As a ‘run my business from home’ mother, I should

• postpone that conference call, just this once, and count clouds with my 5-year old daughter,
• listen to my children and not use them for white noise when I’m working on my computer, and
• give my children the same courtesy I would offer my toughest client.”

“I’ve learned that you can plan for the future…but you don’t live there.”  These words come from Marilyn.

Does anyone else see the theme here?  People are telling me that they feel the need to be more PRESENT in their lives.  To live in the PRESENT, rather than planning for moments in the future.  Now is what we can count on, not tomorrow!  Given that sentiment, how satisfied are you with the present moment?  Can you improve it to include the PRESENCE of more joy, love, and peace?

It’s tempting during the holiday season to make ourselves nuts with gift-buying, card-sending, and planning every moment of every day.  We get caught up in the to-do lists that have more to do with the future than the present moment.  Sue, Marlene and Marilyn have wisely seen that what really matters is being more present in each moment of our lives.

Here’s to a season filled with PRESENCE!

At this time of year, when everyone’s thinking about holidays and business slows down a bit, I get busy catching up on my reading, research, writing, and planning.  I recently listened to an interview with Caroline Myss.

During the interview, Caroline said:  “I tell my students (to) take the riskiest path you can find.  What looks like safety is an illusion.  What looks like risk is an illusion.  Carry no extraneous baggage.  Forgive everyone you can think of.  Pray daily.  Just manage your spirit with integrity and keep your honor code between you and God.  These are the things that matter in life – the management of your spirit, with honor.”

I love this excerpt because much of my work involves helping clients find their spirit again, and then creating both personal and professional lives that honor it.

Over the past year or so I’ve written a fair amount about extraneous baggage (clutter, people, thoughts, weight…) and ways to find purpose, but less about the role of forgiveness, prayer, integrity, and honor in “managing your spirit,” as Caroline puts it.  I’ll remedy that in the new year, I suspect, with blog posts, newsletter articles and events.

For now, though, I’m just going to hunker down and invest some time in myself and my own spirit.  I hope you will, too, during these final days of the year.  I wish you a peaceful holiday season.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking to both clients and friends about grief.  If you were to ask them for one word to sum up our chats, I doubt they’d use that one, but it’s truly the best way to describe the process they’re going through.

Grief is a funny thing.  (Funny “strange,” not funny “ha ha.”)  We assume that it comes after the death of a loved one which, of course, it does.  We might allow ourselves to mourn the passing of an era, such as the transition that occurs when kids go off to college, or maybe even the day we realize we’ll never fit into those jeans from when we were in college, but that’s about it.

I believe that grief covers much broader territory.  Here’s a peek at what went on during my recent conversations (with names and some details changed to keep things confidential):

• Jane is close to her goal of relocating internationally, something she’s worked on for over a year now.  Suddenly, she’s afraid to go.  What if she doesn’t like it there, comes back, and can’t find work or a place to live?

• Susan lost her husband and after cooking for just one person, having no one to come home to, and figuring out the logistics of life alone, she’s wondering why she made the decision not to live closer to family and friends down South.  Should she abandon her now-thriving business and move?

• Alison made a daring career move and is now wondering if she should have stuck with her same-old, day in/day out job that was sucking the life out of her.

• Mary is looking at new job opportunities, and is feeling paralyzed with indecision about her next step, despite knowing very clearly what type of work she does not want (the flip side of what she does want).

• Ellen, the bariatric surgery survivor, never thought about a life without comfort food in big portions.

• Nancy wonders why family and friends can’t keep up with her as she moves towards her right life.

Each of these women is grieving the loss of a piece of her former life.  As they move towards creating new lives for themselves, they experience what Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star, calls “change-back attacks.”  Basically, a change-back attack occurs when either people or situations arise to make you wonder if you’re nuts for making changes in your life.  They’re the ultimate test, making you question the soundness of your decision-making, and they usually occur far enough along in the change process that “the devil you knew” starts to look awfully good.  The closer you get to your right life, the more tests in the form of issues, problems, grouchy loved ones, etc. will show up.

I’m certainly not exempt from bouts of uncertainty and looking for signs that I should have stayed in Corporate America.  When I wasn’t sure I had what it takes to be an entrepreneur, a wise friend said “don’t quit before the miracle.”  I didn’t, and now, when those lingering doubts and change-back attacks occur, I take a deep breath, remind myself that I’m being tested, and usually either a new client or a check arrives at my door within 48 hours.

Change-back attacks are what separate the women from the girls (to paraphrase an oft-used expression about men and boys).  When they start to occur, many people give up.  If you’re facing change-back attacks in your own life, congratulations!  It means you’re on the way to something truly delicious.

Recognizing a change-back attack, honoring where you’ve been, mourning the loss of a part of your life that no longer suits you, and then bravely moving forward will bring you ever closer to the live you were meant to live.

During a Learning Annex lecture, Marianne Williamson said “I dislike it when adults say ‘When I grow up.’  They are grown up; it’s time to do what they’re here to do.”

That resonated with me for two reasons: 1) my clients use that phrase all the time, and 2) I’d used that phrase for years.

The phrase “when I grow up” and it’s evil twin “someday, I will” are responsible for preventing us from experiencing our true selves, and giving the world the benefit of our fully-realized potential.

My “when I grow ups” included “I’ll teach,” “I’ll be an entrepreneur,” and “I’ll travel.” One day, I made a decision that it was time to BE the grownup I already was and honestly admit what in my life was working and what was not.

After soul searching and trying many things, I made a plan and I made it happen. I’m now doing the work I love, which includes all three of my “when I grow ups.” This, of course, took time and there have been plenty of bumps in the road. I make less money but am far happier doing the work I was meant to do.

Marianne and I both believe the world needs us to do the work we’re meant to do, and the sooner, the better. Discovery of our purpose and mission is the work we’re expected to do while here on this planet.

Answer these questions:

1. Are you doing the work you know in your gut you were meant to do?
2. If not, do you know what it is?
3. What’s on your “when I grow up” list?
4. What are your excuses for leaving the items on the list, rather than doing them?

If you don’t know the answers to these questions, it’s time to get started. To do so:

– Make a list of the things you love to do.
– Then, add to the list.
– Then, do them.

Yup, that sounds way too simple, but does it really have to be more complicated than that?

We have no right to think small, be less than we’re supposed to be, or take the easy way out by doing what others think is best for us. Are you?

A Fun Game to Cope With Family During the Holidays

Last Thanksgiving Cousin Bob decided to dance, after consuming way too much alcohol, on the table in the middle of dinner.  Your aunt argued with your husband about politics and religion.  Your children found a way to break your great aunt’s favorite crystal bowl, and your brother asked to borrow a couple hundred dollars to tide him over, again.  If it seems like your extended family is serving up huge helpings of dysfunction along with the candied yams, read on.

Trying to change relatives, especially around the holidays, is a recipe for disaster.  It never works, and it can add unnecessary stress and anxiety.  One way to combat the need to manage everyone’s behavior and control the uncontrollable is to adjust your expectations by anticipating their usual behaviors.  Martha Beck came up with a hilarious way to cope with holiday family mania (and maniacs), called Dysfunctional Family Bingo.

Ready?

Find one or two other players, such as a few of your best friends, and set a wager that the losers must buy the winner lunch.  Adding the element of competition to this can make it even more fun.

Create your own bingo card by using the table feature in Word or by drawing a 5 x 5 grid, five lines down, and five lines across.  Block out the middle square as a FREE SPACE. (See helpful photo, above, if you are a visual learner.)

Design your own BINGO card by coming up with 24 dysfunctional events that are likely to happen at the holiday event of your choice.  “My nieces will say the food is gross, ” “Daphne will want to debate about the war,” “someone will start a belching contest,” and “Ivy will tell yet another story about how horrible her boyfriend is” are examples.  Write one event on each blank square of the Bingo card.

Hide your Bingo card in your pocket or purse when you attend the family gathering.  When each event actually occurs, discreetly mark off the corresponding square on your card.

The same rules of traditional Bingo apply.  When you successfully mark off five squares in a row horizontally, vertically or diagonally, it’s time to notify your competitors.  Use your cell phone to text the word BINGO to the other players, or call them privately and whisper BINGO into the phone.  Collect your after holiday lunch prize and enjoy laughing about family antics.

Acknowledging that sometimes holidays aren’t as “Norman Rockwell” as we’d like them to be, see if you can try a new approach to holiday survival this year.  By anticipating what will happen, and then choosing not to attempt to change your family, you can love and enjoy them as they are, in the moment.  Have fun!

To help me maintain healthy lifestyle, I decided to work with a nutrition coach.  During one of our conversations, Holly shared a great question posed to her by a colleague:  “You don’t say grace before a binge, do you?”

The idea, she explained, was to sandwich each meal with a prayer.  Taking a moment before and after a meal to give thanks, to notice whatever comes to mind in the moment, etc. helps us eat more mindfully.

That got me thinking about the “sandwich” concept and its applicability in other areas of my life.  What if I exercised more mindfully, setting intentions for how I’d like to feel or what I’d like to accomplish during and after my workout?  Or, what about setting intentions such as these:

• networking – I’d like to meet this type of person and I can help in this way
• starting a new class – I will stay present and conquer the fear of looking dumb
• going on a date – I will be myself, be curious about my date, and go with the flow
• having a difficult conversation – I will be transparent, authentic and open
• going on an interview – I am clear about what I have to offer this company
• creating something new in your life – I’m excited and happy to learn from this new experience I’m creating

Before each coaching session, I take a moment or two to settle in, get quiet, and imagine that I’m there to help my client achieve their greatest and highest good.  Being grounded and centered allows me to do my best work.

I think I’ll work on “sandwiching” other moments in my life.  How about you?

TUT strikes again!  This message landed in my inbox recently:

“Now let me get this straight, Christina: You want things that you don’t yet have, people in your life who you don’t yet know, and events to take place that haven’t yet occurred, so that once these “things” come to pass you’ll feel happy, confident, and fulfilled; accomplished, desired, and appreciated; treasured, adored, and like one bad mamma jama, a beautiful sight to see?

But… wasn’t that your rationale for all the other stuff you wanted, that you now have?

Whooohoooooooo!
The Universe”

It got me thinking about how much space in my home is devoted to things that I no longer love or need, and how much of my energy is devoted to physical and mental clutter.  Here’s an example:

During my corporate days, a friend suggested I buy a cheesy souvenir on my first business trip.  I dutifully brought back a scary-looking alligator for my friend.  He said to keep it and watch what unfolded.  I laughed every time I looked at it.  My colleagues and I added to the collection, outdoing one another to find the ugliest.  Eventually, I had 200.  After leaving the company in ’98 they went into boxes, stored in my closet.

Snow globes still sit in my home.  Only 30 or so remain, but that’s enough to make me realize I’ve got a problem.  I like to think of it as a focusing problem, as in the “I cannot focus on this task long enough to really make a dent, so I won’t bother at all” problem.  Or the “I’m cleaning out the snow globes, but over there in the kitchen, the spice rack really needs sorting” problem.  Can you relate?  Since I’m on the same journey as many of you, I thought I’d share what I’ve learned:

Don’t Try this at Home

• “I will devote an entire day to this task.”  Waaaay to big a chunk of time, and never going to happen.  That kind of thinking kept 200 globes in my house until 2007.
• “I’ll sell this on eBay and make a killing off the snow globe collectors’ community.”  While this might be good for some items, it’s important to weigh the effort you’ll likely spend to dispose of it, versus the money you’ll get.

What’s Working for Me

• The Do I Absolutely Love This or Do I Absolutely Need This in Order to Get Through The Day? Test – Do I love ’em?  Sure.  Need ’em?  Not so much.
• Take pictures of them to store on your computer.  It’s not the actual object we need in order to recall fond memories.
• Five minutes at a time – I set a timer and spent five minutes a day for a week, cleaning out papers from my office.  The pile got a lot smaller.
• One item at a time – My rule is to throw away one item from whatever room I enter, closet or cabinet I open, every time I do so.  Old mascara, spices, mate-less socks, books that don’t feel like old friends, outdated contact info, etc. have been tossed.  Every time I come up with one thing, I feel a little twinge of victory!

What’s This Got to Do With Making What’s Next What Matters? Everything, my friends.  Absolutely everything.  If we hold onto old things, thoughts, relationships, jobs or anything else that’s passed the expiration date of necessity and joy in our lives, we’re not creating room for new and better opportunities.

That said, I draw the line at tossing my smile on a stick and my blue sparkly tiara.  After all, a girl’s gotta have some fun!