It’s been a busy time for me, with a lot of movement, and yet none at all. I still don’t know who’s buying my home, when my mother’s surgery will take place, or where I’ll be living next. I have a lot more ideas and hints of what’s to come, but I’m still short on concrete information that will allow me to make a plan.
And yet something has shifted: I’ve seen the house I hope to buy. I’m imagining the view of the pond from my home office. Paint chips are chosen and furniture catalog pages are earmarked. The moving boxes are bought. New business ideas are starting to come…still not fully formed, but glimmers nonetheless.
What happened since last month? I’m moving from Square One (Death and Rebirth, with the mantra “I don’t know what the hell is going on and that’s okay”) to Square Two (Dreaming & Scheming, and the “There are no rule s and that’s okay” mantra).
When I remember “there are no rules,” I feel liberated. Who says I need to keep those suits just in case I need something corporate to wear? Who says I can’t afford a home on the water? What would happen if I got rid of more possessions than I feel comfortable keeping? Do I have to bring the furniture that’s not right for my new place just because I paid a lot of money for it? Really? I can make my business work like that? And yet…
The “and that’s okay” part of the mantra’s sometimes harder to remember. What do you mean, “there are no rules?” We need rules to live by, don’t we? Wait: I’m responsible for the creation of my life? It doesn’t have to look like anything that anyone else thinks is normal? I get to visualize it, then step out and create it? It’s all on me? I don’t know about this…
…and that’s when the “relapse” comes: It feels a little scary, starting to dream big and fill my head with “what if’s” and “how the heck is that going to happen?” and “are you sure you can do this?” On a recent coach training call, a student asked “Is there such as thing as Square 1.5? I feel somewhere between Squares One and Two.” Martha Beck’s response was “honey, you’re just moving back into Square One because something’s not finished. There’s more to dissolve before you can move on.”
Relapses are part of the process. Nothing’s linear, or perfectly circular, either. We zig and zag, move forward and backwards and sideways and up and down…it’s just the nature of things. If you find yourself melting into a puddle of fear and tears, just remember that it’s okay to not know what the hell’s going on. Lord knows I’ve been “puddling” a lot these days while I attempt to make plans that can’t be made yet.
How do you get past the relapse? Let go of needing to be sure of the outcome. Just be determined to follow what you love, focusing on what you love, looking for more of what you love, and staying in a state of appreciation. Imagine what it would be like to have all of what you love, in a bigger and more insanely delicious form than you thought was possible.
Then take a step toward that love. Just one. A small one. Make a phone call. Buy a magazine. Do a Google search. Ask a question. Read a book. Make a vision board. Write on a Post-It note. Then do it again, believing that it’s already okay. Because it is.
